#honestly i just want to go back to school but i'm so afraid of commitment and also failure that i always chicken out

[leonsrightarm]

i think if i go back to school i want to go study phycology or some shit and then go live out on a boat in the middle of the pacific and study the kind of nearly invisible stuff that hangs out in hydrothermal vents. this would have the dual benefits of living constantly in the opening scene of a horror movie and also as far from human society as is reasonably possible. the downside, of course, is that there's no phone in bed out on the ocean. or so i hear.

[lanawinterscigarettes]

Headcanons for Jennifer Check with an autistic S/O?

I love this idea so much- I took inspiration from some of my own experiences so this might not apply to everyone but I certainly did my best! I really hope you like it <3

Jennifer Check with an autistic s/o

Warnings: brief mention of meltdowns/sensory overloads, references to ableism/ignorant people, very brief (somewhat) joking mention of committing murder (it's Jenny, what do you expect), very salty and blunt language that I'm honestly not even sorry for

I honestly think Jennifer would appreciate dating an autistic person, especially if you're the type who's very straight forward or overly blunt about things

She probably thought you were a bit of a bitch at first I'm not gonna lie lol, but she makes that assumption about pretty much everyone when she first meets them

You'd seen each other around school before but your first real conversation was when you were paired up for some sort of science project. She was not looking or feeling like her typical hot and fabulous self, and while you weren't the first to notice you were the only one brave enough to point it out

"Have you been getting enough sleep recently? You have really heavy bags under your eyes"

Jennifer wanted to snap at you at first, thinking you were being sarcastic (because obviously she had bags under her eyes, she didn't need anyone pointing it out) but much to her surprise you didn't look like you were making fun of her. In fact, you seemed a little concerned

"Your hair looks pretty damaged." You continued, oblivious to the look of utter shock on her face that you would actually say something like that out loud. "If using both shampoo and conditioner is too much of a trouble I can recommend some two-in-one products. Or you can always use dry shampoo in between washes"

The woman was too stunned to speak. All she was able to do was mutter an awkward "thank you", something that you simply nodded your head at before turning the conversation back over to the project

She gained a lot of respect for you that day, as you were the only person who wasn't afraid to say what everyone was thinking (though she soon learned this was due to you not knowing what was and wasn't considered 'appropriate' to say)

Out of everyone, you're the one person Jennifer goes to (other than maybe Needy) when she needs an honest opinion on something because you won't lie to spare her feelings or try to flatter her

"Which tank top do you think I should wear to school tomorrow, the pink one or the black one?"

"Well, the pink one makes you look like slut. But the black one makes you look like both a slut and a bitch, too"

"Perfect. Black it is, then"

If you ever accidentally make a situation awkward or uncomfortable by your comments or questions you won't even have to worry about being embarrassed because she'll immediately come out with saying something so bitchy and/or vulgar that whatever you said looks innocent in comparison and is forgotten about right away

She'll get very protective if people try to purposely make you feel bad for the out of pocket things you say. After all, you're just telling people the truth, it's not their fault if they can't handle a dose of reality (her words, not mine)

Even though she loves to party she'll most likely either tone it down or just stop going altogether when she finds out you don't like them all that much because of the loud music, bright lights, small spaces crowded with lots of drunk people, etc. She'd rather be with you any way

Always lets you infodump to her about your newest interest or favorite thing, which truly shows just how much she loves you as she usually always has to be the one dominating any conversation she's a part of. Sometimes you wonder if she ever really listens until she gets you something relating to your latest hyperfixation and then you're like "ah okay so she does care :D"

Honestly she's such a trashy mcbling y2k girly (canon, she told me herself) that I feel like she's the type of person to buy you stim/fidget toys and then help you 'bling' them out by gluing on fake rhinestones and such because "you can't just walk around with boring accessories"

Is she the type of person to tease you/make a bunch of sex jokes if you have an oral fixation? Yes. Will she start carrying around lollipops, gum, chew rings, etc. in her purse to give to you when you're feeling distressed in a public place? Also yes

Totally understands if you don't like/can't eat certain foods due to pickiness, especially if this is after her demon possession. She goes out of her way to make sure the pantry is stocked with your safe foods and all your favorite snacks for whenever you come over so you won't run out of them

She may not be the best at comforting you if you're in the middle of a meltdown/sensory overload or if you start crying (especially if it's over something small) but she tries her best to be gentle, not wanting to accidentally make things worse. If you need physical comfort then she'll gladly let you wrap your arms around her and get as close as possible, but if not then she'll stay a safe distance away while trying to cheer you up with words of encouragement

Absolutely hates ableist people. Hates and will eat them /hj. She can't stand when people make you feel bad for not understanding certain phrases or not being able to pick up on social cues

If you're ever confused on something then she takes the time to explain it to you, and yes this includes her sarcasm. She can't stop being sarcastic for anyone, including you (sorry) but she can make accomadations so you don't feel stupid or left out

Jennifer finds your stimming so adorable, especially if you do it when you're excited to see her. The fact that you get so happy you have to make a physical show of it just to get the extra energy out warms her cold, otherwise unfeeling and bitchy heart

If you're a really physically affectionate person then she one hundred percent welcomes it and allows you to touch her at literally any given moment no matter where you are. If not, then that's all the more reason for her to feel special and loved if you ever do give her, say, a hug, especially if you have an aversion to touch

Speaking of which, if there are any clothes of hers that you don't like because the texture of it bothers you/makes your skin crawl then she simply won't wear them around you, and might even get rid of them so you can feel more comfortable touching her. This includes making sure her bed always has the coziest pillows and blankets and comfiest sheets for whenever you spend the night

Overall I think Jen would love you no matter what personality quirks you may have regarding being autistic, and she would never fail to tell you just how much she loves you for them

Main masterlist | Jennifer's Body masterlist | wanna be added to my taglist?

Likes < reblogs | comments are greatly appreciated <3

🏷 taglist: @anxiously-sad @iloveentrapta @ghot-girl @taecube @corn3liiia @gilmore-angel @your-next-daydream @alexxavicry @noisy-dumb-piece-of-shit @lovelyy-moonlight @red1culous (if you were crossed out it means I couldn't tag you for some reason)

[shadale-s-safe-space]

I don't know much about you as a person, but from what I can gather you've had a long journey with art, but still have the motivation to continue even when its rough. I'm sure you didn't start out making masterpieces, so if its not too much trouble, do you have any advice for a 16 year old artist losing motivation? i feel like im stagnating right now and its awful

Idk man, all I can say is, draw watchu want without the care who's gonna see it or what they gonna say , commit to new ideas and care less about pleasing everyone, because I know that way too well, I started learning by drawing animals, flowers and nature, "you should draw something else", switches to furries " No you must do human portraits", draws humans *no one fuckin cares*, and I felt miserable drawing what I didn't want all the damn time just trying to please everyone and be liked, hell, I still do that sometimes cuz I'm a dumbass. When in reality, when you do your own thing is when you're the happiest, this internet bullshit? Yeah don't trust the likes and favs, people like what they find relatable, no one really knows how much time you've spent on your drawing or how much you love it, when a 5 min doodle you did could do more than a painting that took 2 whole days to complete just to be scrapped in a new speedy record, paint what you love for yourself and you only.

Don't be shy to learn new things, I have tons of stuff I don't post here cuz I know people wouldn't care about it, but here for this post, have this that I practiced when I felt too depressed to think of anything good and wanted to step back from the MD artstyle

You'll see, you'll thrive when you draw what you want, and get yourself a drawing buddy! That way you'll stop focusing on the internet and more on each other, and each other's improvement. Tbh I struggled with that one. Since everyone I had were not into art irl, I somehow managed to find someone after 10 years of drawing alone. I honestly wanted more people to join in and make an improvement circle, but unfortunately that never happened.

I found myself twice as productive now than ever, even though I'm not active here as much I am still drawing and making things, ofc giving you more comics! And other fun things in the future I hope.

If you're struggling to draw something just do it, man commit, i was uncomfortable drawing men and male characters for years, I've wasted so many years being "too uncomfortable" and draw a naked person like yeesh who fucking cares, it's for studying.

And ofc if you feel like you're not improving at all please, please experiment with your artstyle and try something new, please refresh your mind, I was stuck for years doing the same thing over and over, same colors, same 2px brush, drawing like a machine same shit over and over, I felt so stuck and lost, but also afraid to do something new, idk why, I guess I never felt good enough or deserving of it. I also didn't go to art school, I am NOT a professional, nor will i ever be in my opinion. Hell, me feeling like I'll never be good enough left me afraid to try and apply for art school, they were asking for sculptures, different mediums all that scary stuff and I was like, I don't.. know.. how to do those things... I can't build a portfolio in less than 3 months?!?! I don't even know how to use half of what they're asking for!!

In reality at the end of the day, art is what you make of it and no one can stop you, search for inspirations and don't be afraid to try, yes you'll fail fist 2 or 10 or hell even 100 times, but you'll come back with more knowledge than ever.

For ending I give you the most confusing drawing to ever exist [dw he's just sleeping on top of her and she's just ghasping for air but awe romance or sum lol] is it weird? Yeah but I had a fun time making it hahaha

Idk I'm bad at putting my thoughts together, but hopefully some of this helps.

[slipping-through-my-fingertips]

In My Head, I'm Yours

AO3

Chapter 5: I'm Kinda Hoping For Forever

Thalia had been gone for 4 days, which meant Annabeth hadn’t seen Percy in almost a week. Her resolve was slowly cracking.

On Thursday, she broke completely.

Annabeth: are you busy tonight?

He replied almost immediately,

Percy: I’m free. Usually Jason would be here with pizza by now but he’s probably stuck in La traffic lol

She bit her lip as she typed.

Annabeth: pepperoni okay?

Percy: I’ll set the table

Within 45 minutes she was knocking on his apartment door.

“Come in! It’s open.”

He came around the corner as she toed off her sneakers. Percy was wearing a forest green hoodie, those same dark denim jeans he wore on the night they met that clung to his legs practically begging her to drag her gaze down his calves and thighs. As Annabeth did exactly that, she noticed the socks he was wearing.

“Are those fortune cookies on your socks?” She asked.

He took the pizza box from her hands and led her into the kitchen.

“Yeah, Estelle picked them out for me for Christmas.”

“Estelle, your four-year-old sister?”

Percy put the pizza on the island countertop and reached into the cabinet for some plates.

“Yeah, mom takes her to the dollar store to pick out gifts. The socks were a hit but the knock-off Clorox wipes still got used.” He smiled fondly.

His hoodie was riding up just a little bit as he stretched for plates. A thin line of his lower back.

Annabeth couldn’t help herself. After holding herself back for a solid week, she needed this. Craved it.

He was just so attractive. Even with his weirdly patterned socks yet knowing they were a gift from his little sister was endearing. His back was to her so she spun him around and pressed her body against his so he was leaning against the countertop.

“Annabeth what—“ he never got to finish his thought because she was kissing him.

And she kept kissing him. From the kitchen to stumbling onto the living room couch, she only broke the kiss to take off his hoodie and was very pleased to reveal he was shirtless underneath it.

“Are you sure—“

She didn’t want to answer questions, she just wanted to fuck Percy Jackson again.

So she kissed him and that shut down all his future questions.

They ate cold pizza an hour later.

“Do we get to talk now or are you going to delay questioning with kisses? Because either is fine,” he joked but his tone suggested otherwise.

“We can talk,” Annabeth picked up another slice of pizza and took a deep breath. She was going to take Hazel’s advice and just tell him where she was at. “I’m hyper focused on school, it’s been my life’s dream to be an architect and I am two months away from that reality. And I get sucked into my schoolwork and I don’t really have room for anything else. Honestly if I didn’t live with Thalia and Leo I’d have zero friends,” she said, shrugging.

“You deserve someone who can commit fully to you and I just don’t know that I can do that.”

She grabbed his hand and squeezed before letting it go. “I think I could really like you and I’m afraid if I get attached and then Columbia takes over my life like it has for the last four years, I’ll end up with the worst broken heart ever.”

Then, she gestured for Percy to talk, extending her hands as if to say the floor is yours.

“I think I could really like you too. I want to keep getting to know you.”

“I get having trouble balancing school and friendships, it makes dating super hard. That’s one of the things Piper and I bonded over at the start of our friendship but now she’s with Jason. Which only happened because of the band.” Percy said, “there’s something here though and I don’t want to miss the opportunity to be with you. Maybe we can start as friends?”

“I'd really like that.” Annabeth smiled. “Just one issue with that idea.”

“What?”

“We’re still going to want to jump each other when we’re alone.”

“Can’t keep it in your pants, Chase?” Percy teased.

“I’m not wearing pants,” she reminded him.

She was wearing his hoodie from earlier. It was soft and smelled like him. Annabeth was half tempted to steal it but she couldn’t get caught wearing it in her apartment. Leo would call her out immediately.

But she’d happily give it back to Percy if it meant he was the one taking it off of her.

… After defiling his countertop and round 2 in his bedroom, Annabeth’s phone dinging is what brought them out of their little bubble.

“Fuck it’s in the living room.”

“That’s what you get for not wearing pants,” Percy told her.

“I didn’t see you complaining about my non-existent pants an hour ago.”

“And I’m not complaining now.”

He was quite enjoying the sight of a naked Annabeth Chase in his bedroom. With an eye roll, she left to get her phone.

Percy tried to convince himself that he could be her friend. But he knew he was a goner either way.

He thought about the lyrics he wrote about her. I’ll take what I can get from you.

They were really going to have to work on not screwing each other before they finished their very serious conversations.

He sat up and ran his fingers through his hair. He wanted to pull at the ends of it and scream. Instead, he pulled on some sweatpants and met Annabeth in the living room. She was wearing his hoodie again.

“I better get going,” she said.

“Are you stealing that?”

Annabeth shook her head. “Leo will notice.”

She was ready to leave in less than five minutes. When she came back out of his bedroom, Annabeth was pulling her blonde hair not a messy bun.

Percy was nothing if not a gentleman so he walked her to his door. She kissed his cheek.

“When can I see you next?” He asked.

He didn’t mean for it to slip out but seeing Annabeth was quickly becoming an addiction.

“I’m not sure, I’ll text you.”

And then she was gone.

Percy didn’t see her for two weeks. By now, they were both back in school, he was getting ready for Delphi’s next gig. They texted sporadically. Light flirting and how was your day.

Which brings Percy back to the tightness in his chest. He invited Annabeth here tonight but she wasn’t coming. Thalia was already sitting at the bar. If she didn’t show up with her best friend, Percy knew not to get his hopes up.

Once he was on stage, he tried to shake the tightness building in his chest. He even spotted Grover in the crowd, at least that was something to look forward to.

“This is a new one,” Piper was saying, “it’s called Talk Fast.”

As soon as Percy closed his eyes and started to sing, she walked in.

I don’t wanna think about a moment with you I’m kinda hoping for forever

[uni-meadows]

Reflecting on 2023 and looking to 2024

I have been meaning to switch to Tumblr as my main site, simply because it's quieter and I can more easily curate my experience online. In saying that I feel as though this blog is as good as any to use as my personal space, so I apologize if you're here on aesthetics alone. (PS - I have an older blog that I have dragged through the trenches that is early 2010s Tumblr- @makemydaisy

Anyway, so 2023 has been an interesting year, that I feel is mostly a blur. I benchmark my years by the convention I usually go to on new years eve (not sure if I will this year) and it feels honestly like it was just last week. Time seems to be moving faster as things get more monotonous, and that's something I want to change in the upcoming year.

I do think I accomplished a decent bit this year though, which I am pretty proud of. Some of the things I am most proud of are:

🌟 Flew to Southern Florida with my bff and road tripped back to home, finally getting to see Miami and Savannah

🌟 Did a solo trip out of the country, driving across the Canadian border and saw very old and dear internet friends

🌟 Got my Lumbee tribal card

🌟 Finally started to wear Lolita fashion after sitting on the sidelines for eight years, attended my first meetup AND hosted one of my own

🌟 Saw Paramore and Depeche Mode in concert

🌟 Started to gain a better idea of how I want to move forward, despite being stuck in a job I don't like

🌟 Began learning how to crochet and embroider

🌟 Started to get back into reading

There's a lot that held me back this year, still processing grief and trauma. I admit I struggle a lot and have my good and really bad days, but I'm working to get that handled. I think for the next year I need to make a more manageable list of resolutions, instead of sticking things into strict numbers and deadlines. So here's a list of things I generally want to accomplish in the next year:

🌟 Transition away from using Twitter, TikTok and Instagram as much; commit to keeping those apps off my phone unless I need to communicate

🌟 Begin to look into the career choice of my dreams and not be afraid to embrace the risk. I want to be in the wildlife profession, and I need to decide whether or not school or workforce is best for that and I need to actually commit. I need to stop taking jobs to survive, I just want to live.

🌟 Travel. I want to go to Japan, but that might be unrealistic. We'll see. I at least want to leave the country again in the next year at some point.

🌟 Dabble in equestrianism. My inner horse girl is screaming.

🌟 Establish healthier habits, namely- Less screentime, more journaling, eating better, sticking to a sustainable exercise routine I enjoy.

🌟 Read more, especially non-fiction. I want to learn more and develop new skills.

🌟 Plan and stick to a budget. Spend less on little treats and save more. I also want to develop my Lolita style, but also do so more second-hand.

🌟 Spend more time outdoors

I'll be updating this as I think of more things.

[creedslove]

Have you watched the Kdrama "Nevertheless"?

spoiler!!!!

It's a story about a girl who develops feelings for her FWB, who is a very popular guy and behind the scenes they are total bf gf and she’s falling hard for him but he is still close to his ex who is visiting. she realizes that he may never commit to her and starts avoiding him.

She does that after confronting him and after he has been total jerk to her and she discovers he has lead other girls on the same way. She briefly leaves town and He follows her trying to win her back and is being loved by her aunt, he then confesses his feelings many times but the girl chooses not to believe at all.

They go to the same art school, they have always acted like there's nothing going on between them, while she was vising her town her friends visits her too??? one of her friend from her friend group is openly hitting on him and simultaneously there’s a childhood friend of the girl who is trying to pursue her. but then the childhood-guy realizes that these two have something going on and he puts his feelings aside and stops pursuing her. Also, The fuck boy in this show knows how to make the girl weak he’s just so perfect like that lol.

On returning back, she has been failing her art classes and the Fboy offers to help to which they work together on the condition that he leaves her alone for good before the final art exhibition. (they work in his basement and he finally shows her his place or something i dont remember) right before the exhibition He keeps his word and leaves her without a way to contact him.

After doing well in the exhibition she realizes she has noone to share the good news with ( esp him) she tries to find him, but there's no trace.... the girl goes to the basement where they worked on the project to realize he has sold the house.. she then discovers old sketches of her drawn by him out of admiration, he has drawn her the very first time he ever saw her a year ago (she didn't know him then but he had seen her already) and how grateful we was that their paths crossed again in art school, she finds out he always loved her but was too afraid to express his feelings. He knew from the start she deserves someone better and he knows he is too careless with her heart..

Love at first sight kinda thing for him, even though he got a chance to be with her he constantly fucked up and now its too late bc the girl will never take him back. This is just a brief summary of the series it’s actually very nice and detailed they do end up together.

your writing Betrayed reminded me a lot of the show , both the guys are playing with girls heart and how the girls get wiser and push them away is when the guys get their act together … I hope you get inspired and actually give the reader & Pedro a chance because I am assuming they aren’t fwb.. I hope they either cross the friends line if not at least now or P suffers watching other pursue her but the reader isn't really happy bc it's not P... I wish to see some element of wants/cravings lol

Great Work!!!!!!!

I have never!!! I have a lot of kdramas on my nefltix list but i never got to watch them because I'm honestly so lazy for series and i usually waste all my time on soap opera lmao but this whole story sounds absolutely amazing!!! That's definitely the kind of drama i like and i already added it to my list, and as it is a short series I'll take a look at it on the weekend, so hopefully I'll enjoy it as much as I did the description you sent me!

It is funny how similar the plots are, but i swear I didn't watch it, it all came from my mind plus my lovely anon's ideas hehehe, but I'm happy to see a lot of people dig into drama hahaha

Pedro and reader aren't fwb but there's definitely feelings between them, they are unresolved and they need to figure out if they'll stay together or not. I'm so excited to see what people will think of this next chapter, I guess people will be divided, hehehe thanks for the awesome ask, anon!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[stanleyisworking]

MOE Pt. 3: Dealing with Rebellious and Unmotivated Students

The moment I walked into Teacher W's classroom, it was a whole different environment. Chairs were left unturned and litters were left on the floor. Students were playing mobile games openly at the back while some were taking a nap. When I informed my mentor I was going to Teacher W's class so I could gain a different perspective, she only left me with a "good, then you can see the difference." and I did not know what she meant until I stepped in.

If I thought being asked funny questions by my mentor's form class was awkward, Teacher W's classroom posed a different set of challenges.

They were unmotivated, rebellious, and did not have much care for school.

When I introduced myself, instead of engaging and asking me questions, they did not care what I did, where I came from, or what I taught. Honestly, as an anxious person, this felt like being thrown into a freezer.

The moment I noticed their disinterest in me when I finished introducing myself, I took a second to recompose myself, smiled, and found a seat at the back of the classroom.

I spent the next hour observing Teacher W conducting her literature lesson, but most of my observations were not on her teaching style but on the students.

At this point, there were a couple of thoughts in my head.

This class will be harder to build a rapport with during my time here. I can choose to stick to my mentor's class, or I can choose to commit to this class too. Will I be able to juggle?

I found my answer quickly, though.

I welcomed the challenge and set a goal to gradually build my reputation up with this class. From what I have observed so far, they are known as a "Normal Technical" class - the lower performing batch of students in the school. At least, that's what they are classified as under the MOE system. However, I have always disliked that classification and while I have my views and biases on why we should incorporate different methods when it comes to classifying student's abilities, I accepted the problem given to me and decided to work around it.

I implemented my strategy of gradually building rapport by:

During breaks in lessons and with Teacher W's approval, I subtly went around the classroom and tried to create small talk with the students. For example, when I saw a group of boys playing video games on their mobile phones, I approached them with a curious smile and asked what were they playing. They were anxious and afraid at first and their reflexes quickly caused them to shut their phone off, but I said, "I'm not going to take away your phone, just wanted to know what you play because I like games too." This caused their faces to light up and they showed me the current popular football manager sim that I had no knowledge on, but I tried to match their enthusiasm and asked them more questions on the rules of the game, how it works, where can I download it, etc.

On the other end of the classroom, I noticed a girl sleeping alone, her head on the table. I gently tapped her table and woke her up. She was avoiding my eyes and had a closed-off body language, so I assumed she felt bad for falling asleep. My approach to her was similar to the boys earlier. I smiled and asked her how was her sleep last night. She sighed and said it was bad, she couldn't get much sleep and things were keeping her up. I quickly empathized with her situation. As a student myself, the nights can get very draining if we stay up doing assignments or stressing about the things we need to achieve. I told her it was okay, get some rest. Teacher W definitely saw her sleeping and if she didn't comment on it, that means this isn't the first occurrence. I left it at that for now.

My motive for going around and checking in on the students with friendly conversation was to find a way to wiggle myself into their closed shell. This would take some time and I had to remind myself to be consistent in my approach, but not aggressive.

The best person to ask though, however, was Teacher W - since she had been their form teacher for a while.

After the classes were over, I asked Teacher W for some time in the office and found out more about her challenges with her class and how she felt about them. She told me she struggled with building rapport too and she asked if she did okay, based on my observations.

I was confused and answered, "They seemed to like you."

"Really? I can't tell at all and it's been two years" was her reply.

We both laughed.

Regardless, I had a rough idea on how to approach Teacher W's class now, but the next few days would prove to be rough. My mentor not only had her form class to teach, but up to 3-4 other classes for music as well scattered throughout the lower secondary levels. I spent the next few days mirroring her schedule and discovering the challenge of teaching multiple classes for music.

[wowowwild]

I was wondering if you would do Polly's Paper Bag for the fic ask meme questions? I would specify questions but I know you love to talk about it so just pick what ever ones you want.

I love doing whatever I want, how did you know?!

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way?

It just happened. It came out the mind womb that way. Tbh it was all vibes. Kind of wish I had done any sort of outline but it is what it is.

2: What scene did you first put down?

I actually wrote this fic in order but the first chapter was done long before I started working on the rest.

3: What’s your favorite line of narration?/4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue?

I can't answer either of these. This is a crack fic so everything is funny. I love funny lines.

5: What part was hardest to write?

The arcade whole thing. Atrocious. So many things. The popsicle scene in particular was hard but the idea was so funny I couldn't not do it.

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?

It is different from my other AA fics in that it is a chaptered fic that I did not map out first. I had no idea how the rest of the story was going to look when I started. I've done this before in one other fandom with a couple of fics. Not ideal, but it is how I write my crack fics. Can I really call it that when it's getting a whole fleshed out AU? Yes, bc while I've never done a cocaine, I do write this AU exclusively in the middle of the night when I am in a state I imagine taking drugs feels like. I'm just tired though. Don't do drugs, kids.

7: Where did the title come from?

It is of course from the inciting incident when Trucy and Maya are riling Polly up to get him to place a bet.

8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it?

"So the weather today, huh?" is an awkward conversation starter straight from my freshman high school self. I was in an awkward relationship where we straight up didn't talk to each other. We did before and after we dated but not during. Idk what that was about but I did get this fantastic non starter.

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic?

Do you know how many times I pitched and scrapped ideas? I don't. Probably a lot. There were so many potentially vastly different versions of this fic. And honestly, it might be superior as a stand alone. Not that I'm not excited for writing part two, I just think people should know part two is asking a different question than part one, and while I don't think part two will undermine part one, I think you should take what see at the end of part one at face value. Mostly I'm talking about the friendships that will turn into romances. I don't want the way these friendships are viewed to be tainted by a romantic future. As someone who is aspec, friendships as they are, are very important to me and they tend to get overshadowed, especially if those friends eventually enter into a committed partnership. I don't want that. Especially for Claypollo, terminally co-dependent besties. I'm afraid people will look at how I've written them and decide I always planned for the Pollycule. I didn't. I just wrote them how me and my best friends act. I'm not dating any of my besties and I never will, this is just how we choose to show our affection, bc we love each other. Love isn't only for romance. So yeah.

10: Why did you choose this pairing for this particular story?

It was always going to be a klapollo story. I wanted to try it out and this is the concept I chose to go with it, bc I'm always a sucker for stupid shenanigans.

11: What do you like best about this fic?

I actually finished it. That's a huge achievement for me. Also I made a friend! Tbh that's probably why I'm so gun-ho about the whole thing. Having someone constantly comment when I updated made me look forward to writing the fic and hold it in a high regard. Even though technically speaking it's atrocious. It's about the fun I have with it. Also I'm hilarious and I love reading back my jokes. It's all about the bits.

12: What do you like least about this fic?

So many things. I have changed opinions on certain things since then. I learned that aa6 exists since then (honestly my greatest regret, can you imagine Nahyuta in this fic? Fantastic.). And the ending feels a little clunky, like how they say 'I love you' but it came like super quick. I've already started re-editing some of it, but I'm saving the rest for my re-read before I finish the spin offs that are set during part one and prepare for part two. This might be a trilogy tbh. Unclear. All I know is Ema and Clay are main characters for part two and I haven't really gotten farther than that. And despite 'so many things' being 'wrong' with it, I still really like it.

15: What did you learn from writing this fic?

Ways to avoid using 'anyways' as a transition. Now I'm very good at that and I feel like my writing flows better bc of it. Still haven't figured out conversations with more than two people despite constantly putting three or more people in a room, though.

[johnkrrasinski]

started from a call

full masterlist

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x female!reader

Word count: 3,610

Warning: angst with a happy ending! that's all.

Summary: written for @wkemeup's 9k writing challenge with the prompt "character a leaves an embarrassing, drunk message on character b’s voicemail and spends the rest of the night trying to discreetly delete it from [b]’s phone." inspired by a bit of ross and rachel from friends too. you found out from steve that bucky was in love with you in high school but after he returns home with a girl in his arm, you cancelled your plans to tell him how you feel. will you and bucky have your happy ending?

a/n: please like, reblog and leave a feedback. :) enjoy!

"Alright, I'll see you tonight. Bye." He leaned against the kitchen counter and hung up the phone with a grin on his face. "You hear that, Sam? We're going on our third date tonight." He threw his phone up into the air and caught it so casually without spilling a drop of his coffee sitting on his right hand. "Looks like I'm getting that 300 bucks soon."

"Hey, easy. You ain't going to that date yet, who knows? She could bail on you. It doesn't count if the date doesn't end well."

"Oh, but it will. I just gotta turn on my charm and next thing you know, we're already meeting the parents stage."

"Meeting the parents? That's a big step from you, Buck."

"Hey, I'm a man of my words. If I said that I'm going to change this year then I'm gonna stick to it."

"So Leah isn't just a one-time thing to get 300 bucks?"

"Maybe yes, maybe no. We'll see how tonight goes. But one thing's for sure is that I'm getting that 300 bucks."

Sam and Bucky made a bet as their New Year's resolution that Bucky would never go on a second date with any girl or remember to call her in the morning after a wild night. His commitment issues had given him a reputation as the player in the gang. It wasn't a new thing anymore to anyone that when they visited Bucky's place in the morning, they would see a girl with a dopey smile and slightly ruffled hair walking out of his apartment, giddy that Bucky just made a promise to call her later.

You, Natasha, Wanda, Sam and Steve were hanging out at Nat's place. The six of you had been friends since college. You, Nat, Bucky and Steve had known each other since high school and the four of you kept in touch despite going to separate universities. You met Wanda when you went to NYU and Steve met Sam while he was in Harvard. Long story short, after the four of you graduated, you and Wanda lived together as roommates and even started your own bakery business. Steve and Bucky lived in the same building as you and Natasha and Sam lived nearly alone. They were too independent for roommates. Don't even start on Natasha and how much she valued her personal space. That's how the six of you ended up here, gathered at your place on a Saturday afternoon.

"Are you gonna pick her up tonight?"

"Of course. Gonna clean up well, bring her some flowers and knock on her door at 7 pm precisely. Which girl isn't gonna fall for that?" Bucky walked over to the couch you and Nat were sitting on and leaned on the headrest, his arms caging both you and Natasha.

You didn't say anything nor did Natasha because she knew about your feelings for Bucky. Despite never feeling that way about Bucky in high school, your feelings changed a week ago after learning that Bucky used to be in love with you but never had the courage to tell you. That's why he never had a girlfriend during his high school years and he wanted to take you to prom and confess his feelings to you but he was too late. Another guy had already snooped in first.

You were his first love but it wasn't reciprocated until now. That's why in college, he learned how to get over you and slept with as many women as possible because he felt like he lost four years of his life of finding the one. He never intended to be a player and feed girls empty promises, it just kind of became his way of dating. He was too afraid that no one could live up to you yet he enjoyed being with women. Hence, the bet.

The day you found out from Steve about Bucky's past feelings for you while playing truth or dare, you immediately wanted to call him up but Bucky was out of town for a few days and as soon as he was back home, he had Leah in his arm. Your heart was crushed. Wanda told you that it would probably last for a few days and that he'd eventually be single again but you totally did not expect this thing to turn into something serious. You loved Sam with every fibre of your being, he was like the big brother you never had, but you wanted to curse him for making that bet.

So you just rolled your eyes and stayed silent throughout this entire conversation, even though your heart felt like it was being stabbed over and over again. "Alright, I gotta go. Got a big date tonight. I'll see you guys in a few hours." Just like that, Bucky walked out of the room without knowing the pain his words caused you.

The next day you were sitting in your bed watching The Notebook in your pyjamas because you were too heartbroken to do anything productive. It was Sunday so you could just have a whole day to yourself and do absolutely nothing but cry. Wanda knocked on your door bringing a plate of cookies and she had a pitiful look on her face. "y/n? Sweetie? I made you these cookies, they might make you feel better." Sometimes you thank the stars for bringing her into your life.

"Thank you, Wanda. You're so nice to me." You know you probably sound like a hormonal whiny kid but everything made you cry at the moment.

"Do you need anything else? I know how it feels to get your heartbroken, trust me. When me and Vision had a fight and we didn't talk for days all I wanted was to curl up and never leave my bed, so in case you need anything, I'm here." She offered you that warm smile of hers.

"No, all I want right now is to just eat these cookies and go back to my film, thanks Wan."

"Okay, I'll be outside." Your pity party was interrupted when Nat arrived in her leather jacket and burst into your room.

"Get up, you are taking a shower and you're getting that face beat."

"Natasha, what the hell? Leave me alone."

"Y/N, listen to me. I got a date for you. His name is Scott and he's a real nice guy, he's funny, he's a good friend of mine and he is really smart. He is so much better than Bucky, I promise you. Now c'mon, I already told him that you are meeting him tonight at Stark's restaurant at 7."

You whined, doing anything you can to get her to leave you alone with your tears and your cookies but you knew that once Natasha set her mind on something, there's no talking her way out of it. Damn that woman with her determination.

"Y/N, c'mon! Wallowing all day isn't you. I know you and what's good for you. That's why I found you a great guy who will charm you so good that you will forget Barnes even existed. You can't let him win, y/n. If he's going to be happy with someone else, then you better show him that you can be much happier with other people."

You stared at her, trying to absorb her words. There's some wisdom in that. You're not the type to cry over a guy, not even for even Bucky Barnes. So you let Natasha drag you to the shower and asked Wanda to do your hair when she does your makeup. She chose an outfit for you, a dress that was not too sexy but chic enough to leave a good first impression.

Scott was early to the restaurant and he looked elated to see you. He was wearing a grey suit with no tie and he had a really exuberant smile on his face, the type that drew people easily. You could see why Natasha called him a nice guy.

"Wow, sorry, I just- didn't expect you to be this beautiful."

"Ah, thank you, Scott. Have you been waiting long?"

"No, not at all. I just arrived here like five minutes ago."

The night went on and Scott did most of the asking and talking, you answered each question curtly with forced enthusiasm in your face and body language. You weren't even listening to half of the things he said because your mind kept playing images of Bucky with Leah and how you heard from Sam that the date went well so he lost 300 bucks. You kept thinking about Bucky and Leah and how they would probably get married and have kids and live in the suburbs with a golden retriever while you'd still be single and you'd compare every man you meet to Bucky. Maybe it was your karma for not reciprocating his feelings in high school.

Five glasses of wine and you spent more time nodding than talking. Honestly, all you wanted to do was to just go home and go back to The Notebook because their love story was much better than your love life. Scott woke you out of your daze, "Natasha told you that I was cuter than this, did she?" after you gulped your sixth glass of wine.

"Oh Scott, I'm so sorry. It's not you, it's me. I know it sounds cliche but it's just... I'm not in a place where I'm looking for a boyfriend. You are a really likeable guy and I swear, if we had met at another time, maybe I would be a better date but right now, I just- I have someone else in my mind." You sighed, it felt like a relief to get that off your chest.

"Is this guy... an ex-boyfriend?"

You chuckled, "no... He wishes."

Scott nodded, "look, I don't know what your situation is but I've been through a divorce and it's never easy. But eventually, you'll be fine. You can't see it now because you haven't had closure." Then it was as if the bulb above your head was turned on.

"That's it.  Closure, yeah. That's all I need. Okay, give me a minute. I'm gonna call him now and I'm going to get my closure."

Scott sat there watching you comically trying to find your phone in your purse and tapped on Bucky's contact number. The normal you would be sweating with every ring but intoxicated you had no worries in the world... For now.

"This is Bucky. Can't pick up right now, leave a message." Beep.

"Hello, yes, Bucky! Or James, should I call you James? I always thought Bucky was a weird name. Anyways, I'm just calling to tell you that I am fine and I am on a date with Scott. And speaking of dates, I just gotta tell you that I'm happy to hear that your date went well. And that, my friend, means that I am over you. That's right, I'm over you. Tell Leah I say hi." You said sarcastically.

You hung up the phone and threw your phone back into your purse. You felt like you just won a chess game.

The next morning you decided to sleep in because your heart was pounding and you could barely sit up without feeling like you might fall. You were supposed to be working at the bakery but since you owned the bakery, Wanda let you sleep it off until you recover. You couldn't remember anything from last night, how you got back to your apartment was a mystery. You tried to put the pictures together, from being forced to go on a date, meeting a guy named Sean? Simon? Sebastian? Scott! Yes, Scott. You ordered your meals and then... Nothing, it was all blurry. You weren't even sure if anything happened at all after eating your meals.

The apartment was empty because Wanda was working at the bakery and it was just you with your hangover pills. Bucky came to your apartment without knocking because Wanda told him on the phone that you were home. He greeted you with a smile and asked about your date.

"Uh, let's see. I think there was a restaurant, I know there was wine. And there's a guy, Scott and pretty much that's all I can recall."

Bucky made a yikes face. Seeing the state you were in, he could do the math (of the wine you had). You probably enjoyed the alcohol more than the guy. What a doofus, he thought. If he was the one going on a date with you, you'd definitely remember every detail from last night.

"Leah's downstairs and I'm taking her back to her place but I left my keys here last night. Have you seen it?"

"No, check the drawers. Maybe Wanda put 'em there."

"Ah, okay." He opened the drawers and found the keys to his bike.

"Did we... Speak on the phone last night?"

"Nope, my phone was dead and I didn't charge it all night so I haven't really checked it. Why?"

"Nothing, nothing. It's just... Never mind. My memories are a bit hazy right now. You should go, say hi to Leah for me."

Bucky nodded as you walked back to your room to go lie down. Your question reminded him that he should probably check his phone now because there could be work-related messages but the first thing he heard was a voicemail from you. "Oh, y/n. I got your message!"

That instantly stopped you in your tracks. Your eyes went wide and you froze. You immediately turned around and ran to grab his phone away from him. Bucky had a confused look on his face, "who's Scott?"

"Oh my God, no, Bucky, give me the phone. Give me the phone!" But it was already too late, he was already halfway through your voicemail and by the time you successfully snatched his phone out of his grasp, he had already heard every word.

Bucky stood there dumbfounded, he needed time to process everything you just said to him. "What do you- what do you mean you're over me?"

"Oh, God... Alright, um- lately, I've um- sort of, have... Feelings for you." You never had to chase a guy or confess your crush first so this felt new and my God, it was nerve-racking.

"You have feelings for me..." He said it as if he was convincing himself that his ears got it right. Bucky couldn't believe the words that just escaped through your lips, for years he had dreamed of this moment. Though never did he ever want you to make the first move but adolescent him wanted to hear you say what he'd been wanting to say to you too.

He didn't say anything for what felt like minutes and you couldn't decipher his thoughts from the look on his face. "I need to sit down," he pulled one of the dining chairs and leaned on his side in a defeated posture.

"Bucky... Please say something." You alerted him in a hushed tone, not wanting to startle him than you already did. But he didn't. He was lost at words. What the hell was he supposed to tell her?

"Look Bucky, I'm sorry for telling you this way but I had to. I just- I've been wanting to talk to you about it since you came back to New York, well- actually, since Steve told me but-"

"Whoa, Steve told you?!" He interrupted.

"Yeah, it just accidentally slipped when we were playing truth or dare..."

"Okay well," he stood up from his seat, yet he still couldn't look you in the eye. "I can't do this right now, Leah's waiting for me downstairs and I gotta go." He basically ran out of the room and slammed the door behind him, leaving you alone.

Once your hangover had begun dissipating, you decided to help Wanda at the bakery and took the night shift. She must've been exhausted from managing the bakery alone while also helping the employees in the kitchen so you told her to go home and leave it to you. The bakery's usually slower at night.

When it was nearing closing time and your employees had gone home, you decided to clean up and turned off the lights and checked everything one last time before locking the door. The bell above the door dinged and you were slightly annoyed because who the hell comes to the bakery at this hour?

"I'm sorry we're clo...sed." It was Bucky. He stood there in a black coat, with an expression you still couldn't figure out. "Bucky, what are you-"

"You have no right to tell me that you've got feelings for me." His tone was harsh, he never spoke that way to you or anyone... Ever.

"What?"

He walked closer to you, maintaining his gaze, "You can not tell me that you've got feelings for me now when I'm doing well with my life and Leah..."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I was in love with you for years! Years, y/n! And you never said and did anything and now when everything's going well you're ruining it!"

"I am ruining it?" You repeated the question because you couldn't believe what you just heard. How dare he said those hurtful things to you.

"Yes! I was doing fine with Leah and now I don't know what's going to happen with me and her anymore..."

"Yeah, well, I was doing fine before I found out that YOU were in love with me and never had the balls to tell me!" You did everything you could to not cry, you hated crying in the middle of an argument.

"Hey, it's not like I didn't try. There were your ex-boyfriends and your dates and I had to move on. I couldn't wait forever! And now, now you're too late."

"Oh, so what? You're just gonna walk away and pretend that this never happened?"

"Yes, I'm going to do exactly that and I'm going to go see Leah." He turned around like he did earlier in your apartment and left you alone once again with your heartbreak.

"Fine! Go ahead and see Leah because I don't give a fuck about cowards like you or whoever you sleep with." You slammed the door and tried everything you could to not have a breakdown here because you really hated letting an argument hurt you. You sat on one of the chairs where the customers would sit and you hid your face with your hands and cried.

Not because you just lost an argument but because of what Bucky said and it felt like you had lost Bucky before you even had him. Now there was no hope left for you and Bucky, things were too complicated.

You didn't know how long you had cried there, alone, in the dimmed lighting of your shop but after you felt like the tears had dried, you wiped the traces of your tears from your cheeks with the back of your thumb. You stood from your seat and was ready to go home. You couldn't wait to eat some leftover pizzas, take a warm shower and cry into your pillows until you fall asleep.

But when you were about to leave, you saw Bucky standing on the other side of the door, watching you through the windows with a softer expression on his face. You opened the door and Bucky instantly grabbed your waist and kissed you as if his life depended on it.

You gave in to his kiss, letting him pour every desire and yearning into your lips for as long as he wanted. You grabbed his face because you wanted him impossibly closer and you shut your eyes, letting your guard down. Because it was Bucky, and you'd known him for as long as you could remember and you both deserved this moment.

Bucky eventually pulled away until both of you were running out of air. You were breathless from his kiss, you never knew he was such a good kisser. (It's Bucky and he's had a lot of women on his bed, of course, he was excellent at it. Who were you kidding?) But now that you've had your own front-row experience, you felt a tad of possessiveness at the thought of sharing those lips or any part of him with anyone else.

"I couldn't go back to her knowing you are here alone and I had thrown away what I've wanted for as long as I could remember."

"I'm glad you came back." You pressed your foreheads and you rested your hands on his chest. You could get used to this.

"I hope it's not too late to say this but, y/n y/l/n, will you let me take you to dinner and see a movie after maybe?"

"I wasn't the one who said it's too late," you halfheartedly teased him.

"Shut up, so is that a yes or a no?"

You bit your lip and nodded, "yes. Definitely a yes." You stared into his ocean blue eyes, so deep and beautiful, you could easily get lost in it.

"y/n y/ln, I'm going to put all of your ex-boyfriends to shame."

"Hm, we'll see about that." You put your arms around his neck. Then a thought crossed your mind and your smile faded away, "what are you gonna do about Leah though?"

"I'll talk to her in the morning. Let's take you home now, yeah? It's getting late."

You bit your lip and nodded, "okay."

Ninth grade you dreamed of popular jocks and athletic seniors, but little did you know that, sometimes, the one who sincerely loved you was the book nerd who loved The Hobbit a little too much.

[traincat]

3, 42, 51?

Who is your most hated comics writer?

This is so hard because saying Dan Slott just seems like such an easy answer. Like it's TOO easy to hate Slott, everyone hates Slott, yes he blocked me on Twitter but that doesn't make me special because he's blocked 90% of Fantastic Four fandom. It also feels like, vaguely disingenuous, because if I hate a writer it should be for their writing, right? And I do hate a lot of Slott's writing, but I'm not afraid to admit that there's some good stuff in there every once in a while, or to credit him with a lot of the more recent Spideytorch canon content. Does it make up for the other 90% of his work? Not really! But a lot of my problems with Slott stem back to his toxic behavior towards the fanbase. I do think there's a pretty serious sexism problem in his work, particularly as it relates to Mary Jane, but he's hardly alone in that boat.

I was tempted to say Leah Williams for a second, speaking of Mary Jane, just because I found her Amazing Mary Jane book so completely shallow, but I also feel like I haven't read enough of her work to judge it as a whole. I don't like what I have read, though! I would be unhappy to see her on another Spider-Man book just because I thought she missed the overarching themes so heavily in the, what, six issues she did write.

Do I hate Nick Spencer? Or do I just find his Amazing Spider-Man run really, really boring? Idk I feel like my answer here is like, really boring. I think for me to honestly hate a creator instead of just wishing they'd take up another career they have to have committed some kind of despicable real life act, which, unfortunately, in comic book fandom, isn't unheard of.

What’s a fandom trope you hate?

You're gonna do this to me lol. I hate, like, so many fanon Peter tropes, but specifically those fics, I've mostly seen them for the MCU, that paint Aunt May or Uncle Ben as horrible abusive parental figures specifically so Peter can be rescued by the some other superhero. I know fics that partake in that trope are just into it for the woobification and I'm a big believer in people being able to write whatever they want but sometimes they just slip past my ao3 filters and I screech.

I'm also like, hugely not a fan of that genre of fics where the Avengers band together to bully MCU Flash Thompson for the incredible crime of being kind of a teenage jerk. It just feels incredibly weird. Again I know these are all based in a specific kind of wish fulfilment, I just wish I could stop accidentally running into them while looking for 616 Flash fic.

Oh! Football player Johnny. Again, like, I get it, because a lot of people want Spideytorch jock/nerd content with Peter as the nerd, and this isn't something I hate as much as the other two because I kind of think it's funny. The only sport he's seen playing in very early Fantastic Four canon besides golf is bowling. Which, like, infinitely funnier to imagine a high school AU with one half of the ship trying to get the other, who scorns sports, to come cheer for him at his regional bowling tournament.

Who’s the most misunderstood character?

I feel like there's a lot of misunderstandings about the women of Spider-Man in general, but to keep it short I'm going to say Kaine is really misunderstood because I keep seeing posts about the Clone Saga that literally misunderstand his part in it. He is not a threat to Peter! Yes, he got him arrested for murder, but that was an accident! He also thinks Peter is the other clone!

[mrs-miya]

truth or drink → friends with benefits edition

warning: not proofread; alcohol/drinking; mentions of sex and threesome.

genre: angst if u rly squint; fluff; slight suggestive

a/n: reblogs and feedback are appreciated! i had this idea yesterday when was about to sleep lol. i kinda rushed into this as well..? i wanted to post something writing related here hhh

atsumu: i’m atsumu

y/n: and i'm (y/n)

together: we’re friends with benefits!

the two of you laughed before looking at the director to ask if you can drink before the game starts.

y/n: can we? i feel terribly nervous about this.

“go ahead.”

you raised your shot glass as atsumu raised his, clanking it together before drinking the whiskey.

“how did you two meet each other?”

y/n: college. it was our first year and we both had the same class. we never really... conversed that much before unless it’s school-related.

atsumu: she was always present at my club mate’s parties, i’m gonna be honest here, i never really took her as a partygoer until i saw her dancing shamelessly with her friends. nothing indecent, it was actually funny because she doesn’t have any moves.

y/n: hey-!

seeing your reaction, atsumu let out a laugh causing you to pout at him.

“how long have you been friends with benefits?”

atsumu: almost 2 years now. started when we were in our last year of college.

atsumu: you ready for the first question?

he glanced at you for your approval before grabbing a card from a container.

atsumu: what should we call our relationship?

y/n: like i- we said, we’re friends with benefits!

atsumu only laughed at your answer.

y/n: rate my- oh wow, this early in the game?

you looked at the stage crew then to atsumu who seems to be clueless at the current situation

atsumu: go on, rate your what?

you shook your head, trying not to cringe at the question that you’re going to ask out loud.

y/n: rate my performance in bed...

atsumu stared at you for a millisecond, processing the question in his mind. then, with a smirk on his face, he folded his arms and looked at the camera.

atsumu: oh that’s easy. she’s an 11— 11/10. i wanna say a bigger number but it might sound cheesy.

y/n: when was the last time you’ve slept with a person that’s not me?

atsumu: 3 years ago, at suna’s party.

y/n: that was before we had... this relationship. You’ve never really slept with anyone else recently? or last year?

atsumu shook his head, smiling at you.

atsumu: you?

y/n: well i don't think i did. unless i was too drunk to remember – hopefully that didn’t happen.

atsumu: as far as i know, it didn’t.

y/n: oh, well, thank God.

atsumu grabs a card and his eyebrows perked up at the question he’s now going to ask

atsumu: oh~ this is an interesting question.

y/n: you’re making me nervous, tsum.

he looks at you, a smirk formed on his face as he read the question outloud.

atsumu: have you ever thought about having a threesome with me and a friend?

now it was your turn to get flustered, you held up your palms and covered your face to it, contemplating if you’re going to drink to it or not.

y/n: well, i’d be lying if i said i haven’t.

atsumu: really? with who?

y/n: yeah. but to answer your second question, i’m going to drink to that.

atsumu leaned back on his chair, groaning at your answer. he makes a mental note to pester you about it later.

y/n: now it's my turn to ask a spicy question.

atsumu: ask it away, ’m not afraid to answer ‘em.

y/n: yeah you never drank to a question.

y/n: anyway, name your favorite and least favorite place we had sex in.

atsumu: hmm, my favorite would be the kitchen counter. but my least favorite...

he dragged out the last word, shaking his head at the same time.

atsumu: i can’t believe i’m going to do this...

atsumu takes the shot glass beside him, drinking the whiskey in one go.

y/n: hey, if it makes you feel better i wouldn’t answer that too!

when atsumu picked the top card, he let out a sigh as he mentally read the question.

atsumu: are you afraid of commitment?

y/n: you know full well i’m not.

you gave him a soft smile.

“how about you atsumu?”

atsumu: ... before, yes. i was afraid of commitment, like really afraid of it. but now... i’ve been thinking about it and maybe it doesn’t sound so bad.

atsumu let out a quiet chuckle, avoiding your eyes.

y/n: this is why 2 of his exes left him.

atsumu: hey now, those are all in the past!

y/n: after a few months of being friends with benefits with him, i asked him a question - only out of curiosity. i asked him if we could be... something more and he said that he doesn’t see us being ‘something more.’ it’s understandable, honestly, considering the relationship we’re in.

you smiled at the card in front of you before looking at atsumu.

y/n: do you think i love you?

atsumu: i do. in fact, i’ve known for a while, not to sound too cheesy but i can see it through your eyes. it shines differently than when we started.

a small gasp came out of you before mumbling a “how?” to yourself.

“what about you (y/n)? do you think atsumu loves you?”

the way you’re playing with your fingers as a sign of nervousness didn’t go unnoticed by atsumu.

y/n: i’m not sure, to be honest. sometimes, i feel like he loves me and wants us to be ‘something more.’ but when i think about that, i also think about what he said a year ago. i don’t know..! he makes me confused.

you covered yourself with a laugh, hoping you weren’t assuming the wrong things.

a woman from backstage handed you two cards, one for each of you.

y/n: this is the last question right?

the woman nodded at you before leaving the set. you gestured atsumu to go first, his mind preparing for what’s about to be asked and answered. he took a short breath before flipping the card to read the question

atsumu: do you love me?

y/n: now that the cat’s out of the bag... yes, i love you.

atsumu: okay... your turn.

the set was still, the two of you talking to each other almost in whispers. as you flipped your card, you suddenly felt like your stomach was filled with butterflies.

you bit your lip in agitation before looking at atsumu.

y/n: it’s— it’s the same question.

atsumu positioned himself properly, both arms on the table. he exhaled as he gazed at you longingly.

atsumu: if you think i don’t... then you’re wrong. i love you too. probably more than how i think i do.

extra:

y/n: did you just ask me out? in a video?

atsumu: i guess so. i can ask you out again later if you want.

you both let out a hearty laugh causing the stage crew to laugh with you.

y/n: i’m gonna come over later and we’re gonna talk about this properly.

atsumu: come over? just live with me, most of your clothes are there anyway.

y/n: are you now asking me to move in with you..?!

[sk1fanfiction]

the many faces of tom riddle, part 4

-attachment, orphanages, and yet more child psych: time to add yet another voice to the void-

FULL DISCLAIMER THAT THIS IS JUST MY OPINION OF A CHARACTER WHO DOESN’T HAVE THE STRONGEST CANON CHARACTERIZATION, AND THUS ALL THIS IS BASED ON MY CONCEPTUALIZATION.

I'm going to be super biased, because my favorite portrayal of Tom Riddle is actually Hero Fiennes-Tiffin as eleven-year-old Tom Riddle, in HBP and I get to chat about child psych in this one, sooo here we go.

First of all, I’m just so impressed that a kid could bring that much depth to such a complex character.

This is the portrayal, I feel, that brings us closest to Tom’s character. Yes, Coulson’s brought us pretty close, but by fifth year, the mask was on.

We don't really get to see Tom looking afraid very often, but it's fear that rules his life, so it's really poignant in our first (chronologically) introduction, he looks absolutely terrified.

The void being the fandom's loud opinions on a certain headmaster. I wouldn't call myself pro-Dumbledore, but I'm certainly not anti-Dumbledore, either. (Agnostic-Dumbledore??)

Since I'm not of the anti-Dumbledore persuasion, I decided to poke around in the tags and see what the arguments were, so I don't make comments out of ignorance.

Most of the tag seems to be more directed towards his treatment of Harry and Sirius, but a few people mentioned that Dumbledore should have treated Tom with ‘exceptional kindness’ and tried to ‘rehabilitate’ him.

As I said in Parts 2 and 3, I am 100% in favor of helping a traumatized kid learn to cope, and I don’t think Tom Riddle was solidly on the Path to Evil (TM) at birth, or even at eleven. Not even at fifteen.

Could unconditional love and kindness have helped Tom Riddle enough for the rise of Lord Voldemort to never happen? Possibly, but...

Yes, I'm about to drag up that Carl Jung quote, again.

“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”

The problem with this is that if you’re going to blame Dumbledore for this, you also have to blame every other adult in Tom’s life: his headmaster, Dippet, his Head of House, Slughorn, his ‘caretakers’ at the orphanage, Mrs. Cole and Martha, and possibly more. In fact, if we're going to blame any adult, let's blame Merope for r*ping and abusing Tom Riddle Senior, and having a kid she wasn't intending to take care of.

Furthermore, you cannot possibly hold anyone but Tom accountable for the murders he committed. (I should not have to sit here and explain why cold-blooded murder is wrong.) And if you like Tom Riddle's character, insinuating that his actions are completely at the whim of others is just a bit condescending towards him. He's not an automaton or a marionette, he's a very intelligent human being with a functioning brain, and at sixteen is fully capable of moral reasoning and critical analysis.

I've heard the theories about Dumbledore setting the Potters up to die, and I'm not going to discuss their validity right now; but he didn't put a wand in Tom's hand and force him to kill anyone. Tom did it all of his own accord.

And while yes, I have enormous sympathy for what happened to Tom as a child, at some point, he decided to murder Myrtle Warren, and that is where I lose my sympathy. Experiencing trauma does not give you the right to inflict harm on others. Yes, Tom was failed, but then, he spectacularly failed himself.

We also have no idea how Dumbledore treated Tom as a student.

In the movies, it’s Dumbledore who tells Tom he has to go back to the orphanage, but in the books, it’s Dippet. We know that Slughorn spent a lot of time around Tom at Slug Club and such, yet I don’t really see people clamoring for his head.

I regard the sentiment that Dumbledore turned Tom Riddle into Lord Voldemort with a lot of skepticism.

But let's hear from the character himself -- his impression of eleven-year-old Tom Riddle.

“Did I know that I had just met the most dangerous Dark wizard of all time?” said Dumbledore. “No, I had no idea that he was to grow up to be what he is. However, I was certainly intrigued by him. I returned to Hogwarts intending to keep an eye upon him, something I should have done in any case, given that he was alone and friendless, but which, already, I felt I ought to do for others’ sake as much as his."

Now, assuming that Dumbledore's telling the truth, I'm not seeing something glaringly wrong with this. No, he hasn't pigeonholed Tom as evil, yes, I'd be intrigued, too, and it's a very good idea to keep an eye on Tom, for his own sake.

“At Hogwarts,” Dumbledore went on, “we teach you not only to use magic, but to control it. You have — inadvertently, I am sure — been using your powers in a way that is neither taught nor tolerated at our school."

Again, it seems like he's at least somewhat sympathetic towards Tom, and is willing to at least give him a chance.

More evidence (again, assuming Dumbledore is a reliable narrator):

Harry: “Didn’t you tell them [the other professors], sir, what he’d been like when you met him at the orphanage?” Dumbledore: “No, I did not. Though he had shown no hint of remorse, it was possible that he felt sorry for how he had behaved before and was resolved to turn over a fresh leaf. I chose to give him that chance.”

Now, I think Dumbledore is pretty awful with kids, but I don't think that's malicious. Yeah, it's a flaw, but perfect people don't exist, and perfect characters are dead boring. I am not saying that he definitely handled Tom's case well, I'm just saying that there's little evidence that Dumbledore, however shaken and scandalized, wrote him off as 'evil snake boy.'

It's also worth taking into account that it's 1938, and the attitudes towards mental health back then.

Why is Tom looking at Dumbledore like that, anyway? Why is he so scared? What has he possibly been threatened with or heard whispers of?

"'Professor'?" repeated Riddle. He looked wary. "Is that like 'doctor'? What are you here for? Did she get you in to have a look at me?"

"I don't believe you," said Riddle. "She wants me looked at, doesn't she? Tell the truth!"

"You can't kid me! The asylum, that's where you're from, isn't it? 'Professor,' yes, of course -- well, I'm not going, see? That old cat's the one who should be in the asylum. I never did anything to little Amy Benson or Dennis Bishop, and you can ask them, they'll tell you!

Tom keeps insisting he's not mad until Dumbledore finally manages to calm him down.

I'm really upset this wasn't in the movie, because it's important context. Instead we got these throwaway cutscenes of some knick-knacks relating to the Cave he's got lying around, but I just would have preferred to see him freaking out like he does in the book.

There was extreme stigma and prejudice towards mental illness.

'Lunatic asylums,' as they were called in Tom's time, were terrible places. In the 1930s and 40s, he could look forward to being 'treated' with induced convulsions, via metrazol, insulin, electroshock, and malaria injections. And if he stuck around long enough, he could even look forward to a lobotomy!

So, if you think Dumbledore was judgmental towards Tom, imagine how flat-out prejudiced whatever doctors or 'experts' Mrs. Cole might have gotten in to 'look at him' must have been!

Moving on to the next few shots, he is sitting down and hunched over as if expecting punishment or at least some kind of bad news, Dumbledore is mostly out of the frame. He’s trapped visually, by Dumbledore on one side, and a wall on the other, because he’s still very much afraid. uncomfortable, as he tells Dumbledore a secret that he fears could get him committed to an asylum (which were fucking horrible places, as I said).

It brings to the scene that miserable sense of isolation and loneliness to that has defined Tom’s entire life up to that point (and, partially due to his own bad choices, continues to define it).

And, when Dumbledore accepts it, his posture changes. he becomes more confident and more at ease, as he describes the... utilities of his magical abilities. 

"All sorts," breathed Riddle. A flush of excitement was rising up his neck into his hollow cheeks; he looked fevered. "I can make things move without touching them. I can make animals do what I want them to do, without training them. I can make bad things happen to people who annoy me. I can make them hurt if I want to."

Riddle lifted his head. His face was transfigured: There was a wild happiness upon it, yet for some reason it did not make him better looking; on the contrary, his finely carved features seemed somehow rougher, his expression almost bestial.

I do think Harry, our narrator, is being a tad bit judgmental here. Magic is probably the only thing that brings Tom happiness in his grey, lonely world, and when I was Tom's age and being bullied, if I had magic powers, you'd better believe that I'd (a) be bloody ecstatic about it (b) use them. And, like Tom, I can't honestly say that I can't imagine getting a bit carried-away with it. Unfortunately, we can't all be as inherently good and kindhearted as Harry.

Reading HBP again, as a 'mature' person, it almost seems like the reader is being prompted to see Tom as evil just because he's got 'weird' facial expressions.

So... uh...

Nope, let's judge Tom on his actions, not looks of 'wild happiness.'

To his great surprise, however, Dumbledore drew his wand from an inside pocket of his suit jacket, pointed it at the shabby wardrobe in the corner, and gave the wand a casual flick. The wardrobe burst into flames. Riddle jumped to his feet; Harry could hardly blame him for howling in shock and rage; all his worldly possessions must be in there. But even as Riddle rounded on Dumbledore, the flames vanished, leaving the wardrobe completely undamaged.

Okay, one thing I dislike is Tom's lack of emotional affect when Dumbledore burned the wardrobe, in the books, he jumped up and started screaming, instead of looking passively (in shock, perhaps?) at the fire. Incidentally, I can't really tell if he's impressed or in shock, to be honest. I think they really tried to make Tom 'creepier' in the movie.

This is one of the incidents where Dumbledore's inability to deal with children crops up.

I think he was trying to teach Tom that magic can be dangerous, and he wouldn't like it to be used against him, but burning the wardrobe that contains everything he owns was a terrible move on Dumbledore's part. Tom already has very limited trust in other people, and now, he's not going to trust Dumbledore at all -- now, he's put Tom on the defensive/offensive for the rest of their interaction, and perhaps for the rest of their teacher-student relationship.

Riddle stared from the wardrobe to Dumbledore; then, his expression greedy, he pointed at the wand. "Where can I get one of them?"

"Where do you buy spellbooks?" interrupted Riddle, who had taken the heavy money bag without thanking Dumbledore, and was now examining a fat gold Galleon.

But I'm not surprised Tom is 'greedy.' He's grown up in an environment where if he wants something, whether that's affection, food, money, toys, he's got to take it. There's no one looking after his needs specifically. I'm not surprised that he's a thief and a hoarder, and I don't think that counts as a moral failing necessarily, and more of a maladaptive way of seeking comfort. It would be bizarre if he came out of Wool's Orphanage a complete saint.

Additionally, I think given that the Gaunt family has a history of 'mental instability,' Tom is a sensitive child, and the trauma of growing up institutionalized and possibly being treated badly due to his magical abilities or personality disorder deeply affected him.

And there are points where it seems that Dumbledore is quick to judge Tom.

"He was already using magic against other people, to frighten, to punish, to control."

"Yes, indeed; a rare ability, and one supposedly connected with the Dark Arts, although as we know, there are Parselmouths among the great and the good too. In fact, his ability to speak to serpents did not make me nearly as uneasy as his obvious instincts for cruelty, secrecy, and domination."

"I trust that you also noticed that Tom Riddle was already highly self-sufficient, secretive, and, apparently, friendless?..."

And while this is all empirically true, these are (a) a product of Tom's harsh environment, and (b) do not necessarily make him evil. But the point remains that child psych didn't exist as a field of its own, and psychology as a proper science was in its infancy, so I'd be shocked if Dumbledore was insightful about Tom's situation.

But I've gone a ton of paragraphs without citing anything, so I've got to rectify that.

Let's talk about Harry Harlow's monkey experiments in the 1950-70s.

If you're not a fan of animal research, since I know some people are uncomfortable with it, feel free to scroll past.

Here's the TL;DR: Children need to be hugged and shown affection too, not just fed and clothed, please don't leave babies to 'cry out' and ignore their needs because it's backwards and fucking inhumane. HUG AND COMFORT AND CODDLE CHILDREN AND SPOIL THEM WITH AFFECTION!

I will put more red writing when the section is over.

This is still an interesting experiment to have in mind while we explore the whole 'no one taught Tom Riddle how to love' thing and whether or not it's actually a good argument.

Andddd let's go all the way back to the initial 1958 experiment, featured in Harlow's paper, the Nature of Love. (If you're familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, him and Harlow actually collaborated for a time).

To give you an idea of our starting point, until Harlow's experiment, which happened twenty years after Dumbledore meets Tom for the first time, no one in science had really been interested in studying love and affection.

"Psychologists, at least psychologists who write textbooks, not only show no interest in the origin and development of love or affection, but they seem to be unaware of its very existence."

I'm going to link some videos of Harry Harlow showing the actual experiment, which animal rights activists would probably consider 'horrifying.' It's nothing gory or anything, but if you are particularly soft-hearted (and I do not mean that as an insult), be warned. It's mostly just baby monkeys being very upset and Harlow discussing it in a callous manner. Yes, today it would be considered unethical, but it's still incredibly important work and if you think you can handle it, I would recommend watching at least the first one to get an idea of how dramatic this effect is.

Dependency when frightened

The full experiment

The TL;DW:

This experiment was conducted with rhesus macaques; they're still used in psychology/neuroscience research when you want very human-like subjects, because they are very intelligent (unnervingly so, actually). I'd say that adult ones remind me of a three-year old child.

Harlow separated newborn monkeys from their mothers, and cared for their physical needs. They had ample nutrition, bedding, warmth, et cetera. However, the researchers noticed that the monkeys:

(a) were absolutely miserable. And not just that, but although all their physical needs were taken care of, they weren't surviving well past the first few days of life. (This has also been documented in human babies, and it's called failure to thrive and I'll talk about it a bit later).

(b) showed a strong attachment to the gauze pads used to cover the floor, and decided to investigate.

So, they decided to provide a surrogate 'mother.' Two, actually. Mother #1 was basically a heated fuzzy doll that was nice for the monkeys to cuddle with. Mother #2 was the same, but not fuzzy and made of wire. Both provided milk. The result? The monkeys spent all their time cuddling and feeding from the fuzzy 'mother.' Perhaps not surprising.

What Harlow decided next, is that one of the hallmarks being attached to your caregiver is seeking hugs and reassurance from them when frightened. So, when the monkeys were presented with something scary, they'd go straight to the cloth mother and ignore the wire one. Not only that, but when placed in an unfamiliar environment, if the cloth mother was present, the monkeys would be much calmer.

In a follow-up experiment, Harlow decided to see if there was some sort of sensitive period by introducing both 'mothers' to monkeys who had been raised in isolation for 250 days. Guess what?

The initial reaction of the monkeys to the alterations was one of extreme disturbance. All the infants screamed violently and made repeated attempts to escape the cage whenever the door was opened. They kept a maximum distance from the mother surrogates and exhibited a considerable amount of rocking and crouching behavior, indicative of emotionality.

Yikes. So, at first Harlow thought that they'd passed some kind of sensitive period for socialization. But after a day or two they calmed down and started chilling out with the cloth mother like the other monkeys did. But here's a weird thing:

That the control monkeys develop affection or love for the cloth mother when she is introduced into the cage at 250 days of age cannot be questioned. There is every reason to believe, however, that this interval of delay depresses the intensity of the affectional response below that of the infant monkeys that were surrogate-mothered from birth onward

All these things... attachment, affection, love, seeking comfort ... are mostly learned behaviours.

Over.

Orphanages, institutionalized childcare, and why affection is a need, not an extra.

His face is lit the exact same was as Coulson’s was in COS (half-light, half-dark), and I said I was going to talk about this in Part 3. I think perhaps it's intended to make Fiennes-Tiffin look more evil or menacing, but I'm going to quite deliberately misinterpret it.

Now, for some context, Dumbledore has just (kind of) burned his wardrobe, ratted out his stealing habit, and (in the books only, they really took a pair of scissors to this scene) told him he needs to go apologize and return everything and Dumbledore will know if he doesn't, and, well, Tom's not exactly a happy bugger about it.

But interestingly, in the books, this is when we start to see Tom's 'persona,' aka his mask, start to come into play. Whereas before, he was screaming, howling, and generally freaking out, here, he starts to hide his emotions -- in essence, obscure his true self under a shadow. So this scene is really the reverse of Coulson's in COS.

And perhaps I'm reading wayyy too much into this, but I can't help but notice that Coulson's hair is parted opposite to Fiennes-Tiffin's, and the opposite sides of their faces are shadowed, too.

Riddle threw Dumbledore a long, clear, calculating look. "Yes, I suppose so, sir," he said finally, in an expressionless voice.

Riddle did not look remotely abashed; he was still staring coldly and appraisingly at Dumbledore. At last he said in a colorless voice, "Yes, sir."

Here's an article from The Atlantic on Romanian orphanages in the 1980s, when the dictator, Ceausescu, basically forced people to have as many children as possible and funnel them into institutionalized 'childcare', and it's absolutely heartbreaking.

There's not a whole lot of information out there on British orphanages in the 30s' and 40s', but given that people back then thought you just had to keep children on a strict schedule and feed them, it wouldn't have a whole lot better.

The only thing I've found is this, and it's not super promising.

The most important study informing the criteria for contemporary nosologies, was a study by Barbara Tizard and her colleagues of young children being raised in residential nurseries in London (Tizard, 1977). These nurseries had lower child to caregiver ratios than many previous studies of institutionalized children. Also, the children were raised in mixed aged groups and had adequate books and toys available. Nevertheless, caregivers were explicitly discouraged from forming attachments to the children in their care.

Here's a fairly recent paper that I think gives a good summary: Link

Here, they describe the responses to the Strange Situation test (which tests a child's attachment to their caregiver).

We found that 100% of the community sample received a score of “5,” indicating fully formed attachments, whereas only 3% of the infants living in institutions demonstrated fully formed attachments. The remaining 97% showed absent, incomplete, or odd and abnormal attachment behaviors.

Bowlby and Ainsworth, who did the initial study, thought that children would always attach to their caregivers, regardless of neglect or abuse. But some infants don't attach (discussed along with RAD in Part 2).

Here's a really good review paper on attachment disorders in currently or formerly institutionalized children : Link

Core features of RAD in young children include the absence of focused attachment behaviors directed towards a preferred caregiver, failure to seek and respond to comforting when distressed, reduced social and emotional reciprocity, and disturbances of emotion regulation, including reduced positive affect and unexplained fearfulness or irritability.

Which all sounds a lot like Tom in this scene. The paper also discusses neurological effects, like atypical EEG power distribution (aka brain waves), which can correlate with 'indiscriminate' behavior and poor inhibitory control; which makes sense for a kid who, oh, I don't know, hung another kid's rabbit because they were angry.

Furthermore...

...those children with more prolonged institutional rearing showed reduced amygdala discrimination and more indiscriminate behavior.

This again, makes a ton of sense for Tom's psychological profile, because the amygdala (which is part of the limbic system, which regulates emotions) plays a major role in fear, anger, anxiety, and aggression, especially with respect to learning, motivation and memory.

So, I agree completely that Tom needed a lot of help, especially given the fact that he spent eleven years in an orphanage (longer than the Bucharest study I was referring to), and Dumbledore wasn't exactly understanding of his situation, and probably didn't realise what a dramatic effect the orphanage had on Tom, and given the way he talks to Tom, probably treated him as if he were a kid who grew up in a healthy environment.

In case you are still unconvinced that hugging is that important, there's a famous 1944 study conducted on 40 newborn human infants to see what would happen if their physical needs (fed, bathed, diapers changed) were provided for with no affection. The study had to be stopped because half the babies died after four months. Affection leads to the production of hormones and boosts the immune system, which increases survival, and that is why we hug children and babies should not be in orphanages. They are supposed to be hugged, all the time. I can't find the citation right now, I'll add it later if I find it.

But I think it's vastly unrealistic to say that Dumbledore, who grew up during the Victorian Era, would have any grasp of this and I don't think he was actively malicious towards Tom.

Was Tom Riddle failed by institutional childcare? Absolutely.

Were the adults in his life oblivious to his situation? Probably.

Do the shitty things that happened to Tom excuse the murders he committed, and are they anyone's fault but his own? No. At the end of the day, Tom made all the wrong choices.

And, for what it's worth, I think (film) Dumbledore (although he expresses the same sentiment in more words in the books) wishes he could go back in time and have helped Tom.

"Draco. Years ago, I knew a boy, who made all the wrong choices. Please, let me help you."

[erosims]

Melany Crawford

This little cutie is for @someone-elsa BC challenge, Something About Wade.

"Hi Wade! It's so nice to finally be recording this! The production people wanted me to read from this lame script but that's just not who I am. So hi. Yes. Let me introduce myself. My name is Melany, with a y, not the i e. My favorite color is red, I really like to sing and I'm a huge nerd for history and learning how the world ticks! I'm twenty-three years old and just started college for my physics degree.

I had what some might call a "sheltered" childhood. My mum died from pregnancy complications during my delivery and so my dad raised me all on his own. I suppose that means I'm not much of a typical "lady" but honestly what does that even mean anymore? Sorry, I ramble when I'm nervous.

Anyway! My dad is a retired archaeologist and so I got to travel with him for work. I've been to some amazing places that I'd love to show you sometime! It pains me to be away from him as he's quite sick at the moment but I know he's proud of me. He tells me I got my green eye from my mum actually. I don't have to the heart to break down genetic structure and ruin his story though.

Oh I know! I'll include some of the photos I took before I left for school. You might appreciate seeing them I think. The waterfalls in Selvadorada are so beautiful during the full moon. Do you enjoy going for hikes and long walks? I could show you so many rad places in the jungle! Assuming you aren't afraid of sloths but don't worry! They are honestly more friendly than most people think!. UGH I'm rambling again.

Ok ok ok, back on track. The production team said I needed to tell you something about my past that isn't my finest hour. I guess it's a psychological effect to humanize people? I don't know. Seems like a more fitting conversation for private discussion but I'll play by the rules. Soooo I guess my not so finest hour would be that I've been single for basically my entire life. Moving around a lot doesn't leave room for long term commitments. There was however a brief time when I was able to attend a proper school and met someone special. Tragically he passed away when I was 17, before I could muster the courage to tell him how I felt, in a freak water slide accident.

I learned a valuable lesson from both deaths I've experienced in life, and coming to terms with my own fathers sooner than I would like. 'Right now. This moment. It's the only thing guaranteed. Tomorrow might not be. So grab the rope and swing over that waterfall.' So I always speak my mind and live my life as if tomorrow isn't promised. Which naturally adds to my ability to ramble to the point that my camera is dying. UGH

It was so wonderful to finally record this and I hope I get the opportunity to meet you in person Wade. I think we'd have a lot of fun together and I could take you to some neat places I've explored. I hope you are doing well. See you soon!"

[Download Private if Chosen]

[senterya]

It's been an absolute joy reading people's takes on the OC interview that has been floating around recently.

The idea of a Pale Rose interview (read: Fyarh and Nym dragging ex-courtier Reln into this) sounded so oddly entertaining that I wrote it for myself for fun but it turned out... surprisingly okay? So I'm gonna leave it here.

OC Interview: Pale Rose edition

(Draw (or use an old drawing, don’t worry!) or take a screen of your character in an interview setting and make them answer the following questions!)

1. Can you introduce yourself?

Fyarh: Sure. I’m Fyarh, founder and – formally – leader of Pale Rose. I’m also the head of the Dreamers’ division in our guild. (turns to the other two) And they are Nymeleia and Reln, head of the Soundless and Courtiers, respectively.

Nymeleia: (with a wide smile) Glad to be here!

Reln: (remains silent – just nods a little)

2. What is your gender identity, orientation, and relationship status?

Fyarh: (after a few seconds of thinking) I’m male, maybe prefer others who identify as that too? Didn’t think too much about it before.

Nymeleia: I’m looking both ways. I’m female and taken, you could say.

Reln: Why is this even– (exhales) ...I’m male, I don’t care what my partner identifies as. And my relationships are not for the public to chew on.

3. Where and when were you born?

Nymeleia: Back in the Grove, all of us. I awoke at Dawn and the boys are both Night blooms.

4. What is your weapon of choice and fighting style?

Fyarh: I’m best at stealth and surprise – daggers work just fine with that. If it’s an open confrontation, I prefer a light sword that doesn’t hinder my agility. But I’m trained and still training in hand-to-hand combat too.

Nymeleia: I was trained at the Vigil to be the shield, not the spearhead of the attack. I stay behind and make sure nothing hits that shouldn’t. I utilize shades and magic so technically I don’t need a weapon – a staff or scepter can help, though. I also carry a dagger on me, just in case.

Reln: I’m best with a bow. Two-handed sword if it comes to that. But whatever does the job, really.

5. Lastly, are you happy?

Fyarh: (smiles and glances at the others) I am. I’m on the path my Wyld Hunt laid out to me and I got great allies and friends that are with me every step I take. I’m truly grateful for that.

Nymeleia: (with a soft smile) I feel like I found my calling here. I’m working on a cause and with people that are amazing. I’m pretty happy with that, yes.

(both look over to Reln)

Reln: (after a few seconds of silence, with a cynical smile) Are we just supposed to say yes or no to that? Like happiness is that easy to define. (he glances to the side for a second.) But it’s been better here. Take that as a yes.

FAMILY AND FRIENDS

1. What’s your family like? What is your relationship with them?

Fyarh: The guild is the closest I have to a family in a sense you ask. I think? I’m on good terms with everyone – luckily, I mean... (he laughs a little nervously) ...it’s as it should be.

Nymeleia: I’m with Fyarh on this one. The sylvari in Rose are the closest people to me.

Reln: It really is pointless to ask sylvari about “family” – we’re all technically related, but are strangers at the same time.

Nymeleia: (with a smile she barely tries to hide) You are dodging the question.

Reln: I’m not dodging anything, I’m being reasonable. I have close friends, and allies – call that a family, if you want to.

2. Have you ever run away from home?

Nymeleia: We’re all sort of runaways, aren’t we? (she laughs) I’m Soundless, I left the Grove quite early, then joined the Vigil. Does that count?

Fyarh: It counts. But just so that you don’t feel left out. (Nymeleia gasps and mimics trying to kick him in the shin, they both laugh. Takes them a few more seconds to get back on track.)

Fyarh: I used to sneak away a lot when I was supposed to be in lectures. I loved discovering Caledon, I knew every corner of it so well when I was a sapling. Maybe I’d still remember if I walked around.

Reln (after everyone looks at him): ...I’m from the Court. I think that’s self-explanatory.

Fyarh: But didn’t you also wander away a lot?

Reln: You could say. I preferred being alone. Hunting was a good excuse.

3. Would you consider marriage or having children?

Fyarh: In the far future, maybe? I’m still very young though, and my hands are full with my guild and my Hunt. It’s definitely not something I think about a lot.

Nymeleia: Marriage sounds cute – I like the idea of honoring commitment with a little ceremony.

Reln: Neither of those seems to be for me.

Nymeleia: (quietly) Ah, my heart.

(Reln glances at her, but doesn’t respond.)

4. Do you secretly hate one of your friends?

Fyarh and Nymeleia: No...?

Reln: (slightly annoyed) Is it even a friend if you hate them? Next question.

5. Which friend knows everything about you?

Fyarh: Maybe Daleien? We've known each other for the longest, and he was with me through thick and thin. Nowadays I share a lot with Nym and Reln too. I used to be very secretive about myself but I’m working on it.

Nymeleia: We chat and gossip a lot with Dia – she’s another Soundless from the guild. She’s lovely and so supportive, I’m really glad I have her.

Reln: I’m not the one to share everything about myself. But my second-in-command knows the most.

Nymeleia: Oh don’t listen to him. He and Lavan technically read each other’s minds – no words, just half a gesture, and they know all they need to know.

ASKED BY FANS

1. Are you literate? Have you been to school?

Fyarh: I’m literate, and I’ve been mentored as much – well, maybe a little less – than any other sylvari.

Nymeleia: I actually struggled with reading and writing for a while – I could, just not well, as I never really had to. Paperwork has been a nightmare for the first months in Rose, but by now I got the hang of it. I’ve been reading a lot of novels recently, too.

Reln: I’m literate, and was mentored like all other saplings. The latter didn’t reach its purpose, though.

2. The eeriest prediction you made that later came true?

(They all look at each other, but neither of them seems to have an answer or anything they’d be willing to share.)

3. What is something you were embarrassingly late to realize?

Fyarh: Oh. I somehow never really talked about my Wyld Hunt in.... sufficient detail to my mentors? Not before the Wardens arrested me for hiding thorn pups in a forsaken outpost. It was a real journey talking my way out from there. One of the most embarrassingly funny things that happened to me, in retrospect.

Nymeleia: I was always too caught upon not handling the concept of pain, and death, very well. I don’t regret working on it and toughening up, I just wish I had realized sooner that I should hone my strengths instead of desperately trying to “correct” what I perceive as a weakness.

Reln: ...I guess I haven’t realized soon enough what real understanding means. (he seems mildly uncomfortable by the question, and does not elaborate)

4. Do you have mental health or physical issues?

Fyarh: Fighting takes a toll on everyone, I’d say. But nothing other than that.

Nymeleia: (nodding along – her eyes wander off to the distance)

Reln: A few scars here and there. Had a lot to deal with after coming back from the heart of the jungle, but I have worked through most of those by now.

5. What is your current main goal?

Fyarh: I’m dedicating all my time to the guild. It’s been coming along so much better than what I prepared myself for, and I’m not about to waste the opportunity.

Nymeleia: I’m not satisfied with my level of skills on the field yet – I’m spending as much time on training as I can, next to Rose. There are some other necromancers in the guild with who we share our knowledge, and I have gotten some general good advice and lectures from Firstborn Trahearne himself. It’s crazy how far Fyarh’s connections go.

Reln: I’m busy training and supervising my own division. Most of us are reliable and trusting, but there are and will always be a few loose cannons I need to keep an eye out for.

CHOICES

1. Drink or food?

Fyarh: A drink, maybe? I tend to forget to eat. It’s getting on Nym’s nerves at times.

Nymeleia: Ah don’t even mention it. I’m picking food – nothing tops a good, warm meal after a long day.

Reln: Food, if I have to pick.

2. Cats or dogs?

Fyarh: I love cats. I wouldn't mind adopting one, but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to take good care of them.

Nymeleia: Can we pick both, maybe?

Reln: (glancing at the thorn wolf lying next to him) I’m more of a dog person. But cats are good too.

3. Early bird or night owl?

Fyarh: I’m a night owl. Waking up with the rest of the guild at early hours is a nightmare for me. I tend to oversleep so much, it’s almost comical.

Nymeleia: That’s not a problem for me though. I’m up before everyone else. And so is Reln.

Reln: (nodding)

4. Optimist or pessimist?

Fyarh: Optimist.

Nymeleia: Same, some will even say naive for sure.

Reln: Middle ground. I’m more of a realist than any of the two.

5. Sassy or sarcastic?

Fyarh: Maybe... sassy? With close friends. I don’t feel like either most of the time, honestly.

Nymeleia: Would you say I’m more sassy or sarcastic?

Reln: (to her) Is that really a question?

Nymeleia: Oh entertain me.

Reln: (gestures towards her; she laughs)

HAVE YOU EVER

1. Been caught sneaking out?

Fyarh: Once, when I was sneaking out of a Court camp with two stolen thorn pups. Barely got away. Didn’t dare to show myself around there for a while.

Nymeleia: Several times. Did a lot of bathroom cleaning in the Vigil for it too.

Reln: If I was, I doubt I would be here today.

2. Broken a bone?

Fyarh: Miraculously, no. I don’t even know myself how’s that possible.

Nymeleia: My left arm. Open wound, too – wasn’t a good experience.

Reln: Nothing that a field medic couldn’t fix.

3. Received flowers?

Fyarh: If you mean it like, in a romantic way? No, not yet.

Nymeleia: I received a few, but in my experience Vigil soldiers are more of the blunt than the romantic type.

Reln: No.

Nymeleia: How dare you. I gave you potted herbs a while ago!

Fyarh: (leaning forward) Potted herbs?

Nymeleia: It’s because he takes his food back to his room all the time. And then he complains about the seasoning. Go figure!

4. Ghosted someone?

Fyarh: I did... use to run away from confrontations a lot. But people say I’ve gotten better with that too.

Nymeleia: I prefer to just tell people if I’m not interested in talking to them. As kindly as possible, of course. But I think it’s ruder to leave them hanging.

Reln: I did leave from places – the Grove, the Court – suddenly, but then again, I didn’t have many connections to either in the first place.

5. Pretended to laugh at a joke you didn’t get?

Fyarh: That happens. Easier than trying to go back to it and figure it out, takes away the flow of the conversation.

Nymeleia: Everyone does that from time to time, no?

Reln: I don’t. If someone’s not funny enough, that’s not my problem.

[svnarintaro]

it’s too late to say sorry

update: part two is up and you can read it here 

authors note: IM IN A IMAGINE WRITING SPREE SOMEONE STOP ME PLEASE also i like using different names for the same characters im sorry :/

synopsis: hitoshi shinsou is known to be a top tier player, you only saw his as a jerk that toyed with other people's feelings, he was on his way for changing for the better; but he blew it.

word count: 1.9k words

warnings: !quirkless au! angst!!

!f*ckboy! hitoshi shinsou x reader 

him and his entire demeanour pissed you off, you were not someone that was hateful but man did this man get on your nerves. girls and guys were falling like flies case of his 'irresistible' aura, the thought made you scoff. he was just another one of those players that care for thing other than themselves and you were sick of this whole pedestal that people put them on, and him oh how you wanted to knock them down  and make them taste the reality of their destruction.

you and your best friends kendo and monoma were discussing what material you missed when you were sick on the way to the cafeteria, kendo perked up as if she remembered important information "oh also about the seating plan in chem.." you groaned and tilted your head back in annoyance, "don't tell me i'm sitting to this trust fund kid," you sarcastically pointed your thumb at the boy to your right, "shut it my dear peasant, you are a charity case to me so be grateful-" and as he was finishing up his sentence he got smack to the back of his head. "kendo that hur-" "be grateful that we haven't left you sorry butt yet." she let out a huff and continued what she was about to say as the three of you got to the cafeteria she took a shaky breath, "you kinda next to shinsou.."

you choked on air, "no no no no, i don't want o be next to a barney headed jerk-" before your rant even started you were cut off by the person behind you. "so you wanna continue talking about me behind my back or do you wanna say it to my face sweetheart, take your pick," you knew that voice, all too well. "first of all save your disgusting nicknames for a person that actually likes you." you turned your heel to give him the dirtiest glare you could fathom to show hitoshi shinsou.

"aww don't be like that baby.. i already know you'll turn around~" his smirk did not fall for a second, it only grew by the minute. "look i'm not looking to have anything on my criminal record, so if you want to keep your limbs in one piece i suggest you take my advice and piss off with my parting gift." you brought your fist to your mouth and shoved your middle finger in our mouth, and you proceeded to pull it out and flip him off and caught up with kendo and monoma who were laughing. 'they really are something else hm?' shinsou thought.

"man does he really put you in a bad mood hm?" neito teased and handed you the sandwich you wanted, "yeah she really did flip him off this time and threaten him?! i think that is the nicest exchange they've had all year!" kendo wheezed out, as you payed for your food you looked back to see shinsou sitting with his friends.

"so let's get this straight, you single handed moly pissed someone off so often they called you barney head, say they might break your limbs AND flip you off?!" kaminari screeched, while todoroki was purely confused, "did shinsou lose his ability to flirt his way out of this situation or something? cause honestly i feel like you lost you mojo a little bit." sero snorted at todoroki, "did you really have to say 'mojo'?" shinsou was just trying to figure out how to woo you now, his ultimate revenge as to get you to like him and break your heart and pummel it to smithereens.

now you had your chemistry class, and you were lab partners with shinsou, the given thought of being within a 2 metre radius of him mad you dread the class. the moment you walked in the class you saw a girl on his lap, her uniform was two sizes too tight, playing with his hair and her skirt rode up to show her red undergarments. "daddy~ can't we just skip?" you gagged at that nickname, the two of them stopped what they were doing and looked at you. the girl looked you up and down and she was obviously annoyed at your presence. "oh don't mind me i'm just a poor witness to see your panties on full display," you shrugged and made your way to your seat, "at least i have someone interested me," the girl smugly said, you rolled your eyes, "at least my coochie isn't free real estate."

the girl let out a 'hmph' and stormed out out the class, "free real estate? that's a new one." you didn't bother looking at him, and you opened your notebook and brought your data booklet out not even sparing him a glance. meanwhile the guy in front of you asked for a pen and you immediately complied and gave him one. hitoshi has never felt more offended from getting ignored and blown off again.

later in the class the teacher gave a worksheet to work on and you got stuck on a certain question and you didn't know what to do, "you forgot to balance the reaction so that's why you got the wrong answer." you looked to see shinsou looking at you, elbow on his table, "for someone who doesn't bother with class you remember a few things." you proceeded to add numbers to the elements that were written. for the rest of the class he continued to help you with your worksheet and the two of you got along for once. 'huh he may not be as bad as i thought he was.'

for the rest of the month he acted like this and it showed you that he wasn't the monster you thought he was, he was kind, considerate, funny and sweet. he avoided other girls too, "to think that you changed shinsou is actually kind of crazy, you're way more tolerable this way," you whispered as the two of you sat together and worked on some chemistry notes together, on his end of the story he was freaking out, he never felt this way, h heart was pounding out of his chest. he wanted it to stop, he was afraid. afraid of you not liking him back, he was afraid of commitment, he was afraid that he wasn't good enough for you.

"listen kaminari it is a reasonable plan, get them to like me, have them fall in love with me and boom i break up with her." for the past hour kaminari has been listening to shinsou on the phone go on and on about how he wanted to mess around with you, "they're an interesting person, they've got guts." the blond giggled, "i mean if you wanna quit the plan and hand them over to me-" "don't think about it rat."

meanwhile he was thinking about how he was so calm around you, he felt the need to drop his act and be himself around you. "looks like someone is getting attached~"

really? did he get attached? no what would be too cliché for his own good. so he sought his time to be taken by girls, other girls where were desperate to be in his attention span, "hey kaminari give me the number of every one of your flings i need to let off some steam.." shinsou needed to get you off his mind.

on the other hand you were talking to kendo, "okay look i know that i said he was trash and whatever but  he changed and.. i think i might like him." you were gushing over all the sweet things he did, all the sweet things he said, you saw all the signs that he returned your feelings. "i say go for it! shoot your shot when you can, just be careful and know that me and neito are here for you and will beat him up if he dares hurt you." kendo was really on edge with him, it was as if shinsou got possessed and she knew something wasn't right, but if he made you happy she couldn't stop you. "thank you kendo~"

it was as if a switch was flipped, the Hitoshi shinsou that you hated was back and had more playthings than ever, make out sessions in the halls, skipping classes to fool around with anyone and what hurt the most was that he was avoiding you like the plague. “he is going through a phase right now, i promise he is better than this you saw how he was weeks ago please guys you have to believe me.” you were crying in monomas room about your ruined week. you knew what was the truth and that was that you were played, you were a fool to think that he was changing for the better. “i knew he was a jerk, y/n you deserve better than this, you deserve someone that will really appreciate you, someone that won’t have to change and will be who they really are in front of you..” you looked up from lap and stared at monoma and kendo. ‘these are my people, they will never betray me.’ “i love you guys,” you declared as you threw your arms around their necks and cried your heart out. ‘hitoshi shinsou you will pay for doing me dirty like this.’

kendo forced you to stay home and rest, you were stressed and not in the head space to be at school right now. it was now lunch and kendo was livid, and was stomping down the corridor to give a piece of your mind to the jerk that broke your heart. “shinsou, i got a bone to pick with you.” she yelled at the purple haired boy, ‘finally i can see how y/n is doing’ he completely misread her words and saw them as an invitation to act buddy buddy with her so he jogged over. however he was not expecting a fist to the face, “you undeniable monster! do you know what you did to her?! you gave her false hope and you have the audacity to think that you can get anything about how she is right now?” her words truly leaked poison and showed she was not playing around, he had hurt you, and he needed to repent. “you think your pathetic superiority complex is something to sneeze at and turn a blind eye to? you think that just because you can play with peoples emotions you’re better than everyone else? well here’s what i think.” groups of people were surrounding everyone and were listening to kendo’s rant, shinsou’s heart dropped, he knew what this meant, he had hurt you. with each sentence the gap between the two got smaller until she got into his face and continued.

“it is disgusting how you can switch your act to lower other people’s guard and once they do so they are underneath your discrepancy and you crush them with no mercy,” flashes of you trying to talk to the guy you liked were flashing into keno’s head, she watched as he broke you down until you were pieces and now she was there for you as you were hopelessly trying to pick them up. a breath broke her flow of thoughts and brought her a second of peace. “stay away from my best friend.” and thats when the world stopped for shinsou, he did all of this to protect himself, he was scared cause there was a chance you could’ve liked him back but he ignored that and hurt you instead. “i’m sorry..” was all that he could say at this point. he couldn’t express anything right now, he was malfunctioning. “it’s too late to say sorry.”

[marigoldbaker]

(1/2) I saw your ask from yesterday and I'm totally back on the fluff bandwagon. Do you think Giles and Jenny went on many dates other than the ones we see either pre-The Dark Age or between Ted and Innocence? I just imagine that we must miss so much of them hanging out in general with the show being so heavily in Buffy's POV in the school seasons. I think what I’m asking in this ramble is (sorry if you’ve already been asked this) do...

(2/2) ...you have any Jenny/Giles headcanons for dates they went on or how they would hang out in in general if you think it’s more likely they would end up spending more time together in school hours?

oh, i think they went on a LOT of dates. like i was initially going to be like “i don’t know if giles’s watcher schedule would allow for it” and then i remembered that we see him just awkwardly ditching buffy TWICE so that he can go out with jenny on a SCHOOL NIGHT. like, the man’s schedule probably had to do some extremely scary contortion, but jenny’s adorable so he’s willing to make sacrifices. so here are some dates that i definitely think they went on in canon:

opera. jenny maintains that this was revenge for the monster trucks. giles genuinely does like the opera but also, uh, kinda does want revenge for the monster trucks. joke’s on him tho because he gets really into watching the opera and critiquing it and crying at the sad parts, and jenny gets really into watching him because she’s softer than she would like to admit.

museum! jenny talks very loudly about colonization and stolen artifacts and giles -- i hate to say this but we all know it’s true -- is unfortunately the exact type of academic that would go “museums are all about cultural preservation,” so this starts an actual fucking fight where they literally almost break up. the only reason they don’t break up is because jenny finds the corel draw book in giles’s bag when she’s looking for her beeper and realizes that he DOES listen to her, it sometimes just takes a while for him to get used to new ideas.

dancing!!!!!!!! giles is terrified of moving because he’s afraid he’s going to look really stupid in front of jenny, so he tries drinking to loosen up and ends up knocking over a table or something. jenny laughs so hard she almost cries. it’s actually one of their best dates.

they go out to eat at a fancy restaurant but it’s the first time giles has seen jenny dressed up so he just spends the whole time looking at her like she’s a fairy princess. jenny, who is used to dating people that lowkey objectify her when she’s looking nice (because jenny seeks out non-serious relationships and honestly still doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing in this one), has no idea how to respond to this level of positive & appreciative attention. there is absolutely no dinnertime conversation and a heated makeout session in giles’s car that accidentally turns VERY tender & adoring. jenny, who has literally never been in love and is starting to think she might be heading in that direction, goes home and spends like two hours lying on her bed staring at the ceiling going “what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck”

jenny drags giles to some local farmer’s market and he actually loves it. turns out they BOTH think supporting small local businesses is important, and they’re so excited that they have something in common that they get REALLY into shopping together. they stay out till the market closes. giles buys jenny a nice hat. (jenny wears it to school the next day and gets DRESS CODED by snyder because it hits him in the face somehow.)

they drive down the coast one weekend and have a picnic on the beach! jenny is like an absolute manic ball of energy on the weekend (she wants to splash around) and giles is not (he wants to relax by the ocean and read) so they compromise by walking on the shore together and talking about dumb non-supernatural stuff. jenny is terrible so she kicks up water and splashes giles every so often anyway

unfortunately there is definitely a very boring study date that was SUPPOSED to be fun and sweet (jenny genuinely loves hearing giles get all excited about the supernatural stuff he’s researching) but giles fell asleep like thirty seconds in because literally all the dates above this one meant sacrificing a LOT of sleep for jenny’s sake. jenny does all of his supernatural research for him, writes up some notes that he can read to the kids, and drives him home. she refuses to admit that this is definitely the behavior of someone who is pretty seriously committed to another person. this is just casual. all of this is just casual. shut the fuck up.